In Memory Of
If you are reading these words then, I, Betty Aberdeen Marian Goodfellow, Mayor of the great town of Sandbourg, have officially cryogenically frozen myself in anticipation that Cancergone® will pass its phase-three clinical trial and hit the market in the next couple years. At such time, I have left detailed instructions with my lawyer, Herman J. Iscariot, and his successor for my post-defrost return to society.
Why not freeze myself pre-cancer, you might wonder? Sure, who wouldn’t want to come back a svelte sixty with defined biceps and bifocals instead of a soggy ninety-one with arm flap and glaucoma. Technology, my friends. One must wait for the human experiments (i.e., tech savvy early adopters with money and age to burn) and mass commercialization before committing oneself to the ice age for an unknown length of time. But why come back at all, you might be thinking? I lived a life of status and success serving this town, the ultimate dream. Why not throw in the towel and cross over?
Mayor Katchum.
I know that bastard froze himself last year so he could usurp the throne after I’m dead. He is the reason I have taken the plunge in 2032. I simply cannot let this town be ravaged again by his misguidance and hare-brained ideas. You might have five, maybe ten Katchum-free years—however long he guessed it would take me to croak.
We’ll never elect him again, you say. We learned our lesson!
Forgive me for saying so, but you didn’t learn it the first time and rolled the dice on round two, so I am skeptical of your future judgement. Enough of you fell victim to Katchum’s lies in 2019, when he vowed to “return Sandbourg to its glory years.” Well, Sandbourg was already living its glory years—you were just too upset about that clumsy last season of Game of Thrones and the new pay-by-cell parking metres to notice.
Let my obituary serve as a warning about Katchum for future generations.
Two years. Two (expletive deleted) years for him to reverse all the progress I had made and throw Sandbourg back into the stone ages. Here’s a quick refresher on his second reign: the town went bankrupt twice, had its lowest population count since 1927, lost its place on the Christmas Twinkle Town Tour to Brownwater (God help us), was reclassified as a village, bagels and witchcraft were outlawed, and councillors settled civil disputes with water-gun duels on Town Hall’s front lawn.
Do you know how long it took me to fix the mess your “saviour” left behind? Eleven years—nearly three full terms and if it weren’t for this damned cancer and my impending death, I would’ve made it to twelve.
And before you start whining that it takes a village, remember that it was me who repealed the Young People and Immigrants Act, which was based on a bogus conspiracy theory that unfairly limited the activities of these two groups and drove them from town. I was the one who took out the sidewalk-eating electric scooter lanes. It was me who disabled Katchum’s delivery drones that invaded our privacy and caused numerous vestibular concussions. And I was the one who stopped the ridiculous public health policy that required infected households to tack a giant plus sign on their front doors. Don’t forget when Katchum had chicken manure spread in all the parks to keep people from gathering. The only good that came from that was luscious grass for your children to play on, but it’s because of me they could even play.
Thankfully my mayorship wasn’t all clean-up. The following is a list of my accomplishments that I’ve asked to have copied and affixed to my cryochamber (the original will be archived at Town Hall):
- Population boom as a result of the Save Sandbourg campaign that paid people up to $15,000 to buy empty houses and take up residence in our town
- #FreeCoffeeFridays
- Construction of the Sandbourg Sundome Multiplex, home of our Laser Tag World Champions, the Sandbourg Snipers
- Three consecutive years of no boil-water advisories
- Eradication of the voles and fruit flies from the public library; designation of the “Eating Wing” with three-stage waste management
- Installation of the largest solar farm in the region, a.k.a. the Sandbourg Sunbelt (although it was the reason I lost the election in 2019, you smart people have since embraced change)
Sandbourg Soak and Spa, Ramadanza, rezoning Main Street for autonomous vehicles—these are initiatives I would love to see through to completion, but now leave in the hands of your new owner. That’s right, owner. Keep reading and you’ll find out what I mean.
Because I do not trust people around here to make sound decisions in my absence, I’ve gone above and beyond to secure this town; to ensure there is something more than bits of concrete foundation for our grandchildren’s grandchildren, when I return.
I have sold Sandbourg to Maxwell Hébert—a staunch champion of our town, TIME magazine’s Face of the Future, youngest person to sell a video game in an eight-figure deal, youngest MIT Innovation Visionary in history, six-time Emmy Award winning director, the world’s tenth richest person, Guinness World Record Holder for furthest distance in space by a human, and CEO and Founder of Max Well Inc., a multitrillion-dollar corporation and parent company of Max Entertainment, the creator of hit reality shows such as Pirates Overboard, Space Walk, Cat Circus, and Roman Forum: Live!
Yes, the sale is completely legal. In exchange for the preservation of our town, Max Entertainment will use it from time to time as a production set.
I know not all of you will be enthused by this agreement. But I encourage you to look at the bright side. No longer will this town need to worry about the world’s problems.
Between Katchum, climate crisis, genetic engineering, geopolitical turmoil, food and water shortages, and the reception robot that replaced Judy at Town Hall—I’m concerned for Sandbourg’s future. Since my diagnosis, I have lost sleep grappling with how to ensure the survival of our town in the face of these challenges and the countless others brewing beyond our borders. This was our best option. I’m not kidding. It was either this or a one-way rocket to extinction.
Maxwell has ensured me that apart from the movie stars and props, there will be minimal impact to our town’s esthetic and to our residents. His people talk of things I’m not one hundred per cent sure about—like simulation and immersive competition and selling rights to fruit—but the important point is this agreement creates opportunities for a new economy, one in which every Sandbourgian thrives. I encourage you to be open-minded, industrious, and welcoming to our new residents.
In case I don’t make it back, meeting me at the pearly gates are my parents, Flip and Dotty, my sister, Grace Ellen, my great, great, great grandfather and town founder, the Reverend Henri-Louis Sandbourg, (despite being a philanderer and racist, he’s the reason we’re all here), and all the Sandbourg residents of yore. If after-life marriages are a thing, my husband is probably well into his fourth, so I doubt I’ll be greeted by him with open arms. Fingers crossed that cats are allowed in because I’d really love to see Heinrich Von Whiskers again.
My two daughters, Ruth and Olive, will walk me up to my cryochamber with only a few tears and for that (plus agreeing that me naked and frozen is not a good last memory for my grandchildren) I am grateful. I’m sad to miss out on my daughters’ lives and those of my grandchildren. After years playing in the mayoral office, I hope you all seek fulfilling careers in municipal governance.
A special shoutout to Herman J. Iscariot for his diligent work through the years and the current cast of Town Councillors, who have stood by me through high winds and calm.
As I sit here behind my desk in the mayoral office, penning this obituary, knowing what is ahead, I’m grateful to have seen so many seasons pass by my second-floor window. I wish I had enough time to enjoy one final spring, but the big snowflakes falling now onto our little town bring me peace. It’s a great honour freezing oneself to be of service to future generations. This is the gift I leave to my grandchildren and to you, my fellow Sandbourgians–that, and a prosperous tomorrow.
So, it is goodbye for now. If all goes as planned, I will see you soon.
Sincerely,
Betty Goodfellow
Mayor
P.S. Don’t hesitate to hit that “thaw” button if (expletive deleted) goes sideways.
Editor’s Note: Bethilda (Betty) Goodfellow pre-paid the Sandbourg Sun to print this obituary upon her death. The opinions expressed here, and the claims made—principally those related to Reginald Katchum, Maxwell Hébert, and the entire town of Brownwater—are entirely Goodfellow’s own and do not represent the views of the editors at the Sandbourg Sun or its advertisers. Special thanks to Smoothy Smooth Wax Bar and Frank’s Refrigeration for agreeing to run ads on this two-page spread.
In lieu of flowers, Town Council has set up a memorial scholarship, which will be awarded annually to a Sandbourg youth wishing to pursue a career in municipal government. Donations can be made online at www.townofsandbourg.ca/goodfellow
As directed by her will, Betty Goodfellow will Lie-In-State in the foyer of Town Hall from February 8-12, 2032. Viewing hours are from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. Please be advised Goodfellow’s frozen body will be on display in a glass cryochamber. Children, Catholics, and pregnant women are advised to use the side entrance if visiting Town Hall.
Town Council will host a come-and-go tea to celebrate Goodfellow’s life on February 12, 2032, from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m. in the basement of Town Hall. After tea, her cryochamber will be transported to Max Well Inc. for ongoing storage and maintenance.
- In Memory Of - October 20, 2026
* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are producs of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to real events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
