The Last, Great Letter-Writer
My friend Shadow wrote me a note the first time I took care of his dog, Apple. I’ve kept it as a valuable reference, and also like a wartime letter from the battlefield. Here it is in its entirety:
Thank you in advance for taking such good care of Apple. While dogs remain a popular pet in Bramble, many people are unaware of basic facts that could save a pet’s life. I did my research so you don’t have to!
Grapes cause kidney failure in dogs. Onions and garlic will destroy a dog’s red blood cells. Starfruit causes kidney failure. Acorns, kidney failure. Apple will want all of these things, so it is best to stick to the snacks in our house. Human toothpaste contains xylitol, which will drop Apple’s blood sugar. Ibuprofen and acetaminophen will destroy her liver. Do not give Apple an enema. Her digestive tract is shaped differently and you could cause serious harm. I include this because you never know what might seem necessary, but also to demonstrate the seriousness of my investigation. I’ve said nothing here about food and water—I won’t insult your intelligence. Like you, Apple is an only dog, and not very protective of resources.
To avoid any unnecessary mystery, my wife Wanda and I periodically attend a “couples’s weekend” in order to improve our relationship. I am keeping an open mind. What would be the point otherwise? I am not perfect, so I’m keeping an open mind. Our partners are not responsible for our own pleasure—we are. We live in our own erotic universes, which are neither wholly fantasy, nor wholly real. These are some of the ideas. The point is if this goes well, there may be more opportunities to help with Apple as we continue therapy.
Regardless, I’ll leave you with a final thought: it must be very difficult to be a dog. The language barrier alone. The learned helplessness that masquerades as training. The forced sterilizations. We overemphasize their easy life, I think. I’d appreciate it if you’d keep all of this in mind while taking care of Apple.
Your friend Shadow
P.S. I read an article once that reminded pet owners that dogs do not understand certain, important words: why, maybe, tomorrow, sorry. It struck me that many human beings also have a hard time with these concepts.
P.P.S. As you might have guessed, this letter is part of my couple’s therapy “homework.” That does not mean it is inauthentic.
The letter was hand written, the penmanship clear but not without personality. It must have taken ten to twelve minutes to write. I had difficulty discovering where they kept the dog food, but there was so much care in the note, so much hard-won wisdom. Was it for my sake or the dog Apple? Why quibble? Apple cannot read.
- The Last, Great Letter-Writer - June 5, 2025
* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are producs of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to real events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
